he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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