puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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