you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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