i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
