Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
