i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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