Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
