I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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