Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
