Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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