Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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