Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
