The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
should my penis look like a turkey
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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