im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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