I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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