I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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