Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
