When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
