if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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