I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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