Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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