I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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