I am in a vortex of obligation.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize