genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
