My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
