I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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