Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize