Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
