Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i need an iv and a liver transplant
she looked like the before picture.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
