wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
