Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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