My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
