If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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