I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
