if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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