its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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