I think I died a long time ago.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize