Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
