He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
