I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize