Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
