It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
