Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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