Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
