Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
