Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
