i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
