Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
