this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am available for nakedness
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
