Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
