new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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