My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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