So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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