The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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