listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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