guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
