No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
